I love my mom, really...

My mom said something weird to me. This all has to do with me spending time with Kevin. She said,"I thought you weren't living there." And I said, "I'm not."
AND THEN SHE SAYS: "How is he supposed to miss you if you're still there all the time?"
--what does this mean?-
I say, "But I'm not there, I'm here."
She says, "well, yeah. I guess."
I say, "I don't get it. He doesn't have to miss me, mom, because we're still friends. We miss eachother in one way, but we don't in others because we're friends."

I think she has this idea that if we spend time apart we'll realize how much we miss eachother, fall madly in love, and everything will work itself out. It's hard for me to make her understand that I don't want Kevin to be my boyfriend anymore. Sure, that would make things easier, right now. But life isn't about easy. I'm trying to make sure I know what I want and that I'm taking steps to reach it. I don't know.

I love Kevin. But we don't fit together anymore. I need something more. It's not his fault or my fault. And I know I sound all rational- that's years of therapy and some meds keeping me sane. I'm super sad. My feelings are raging. I feel like a failure for the relationship not working out. I feel angry and sad that all the plans we made together die with our break-up. I feel like I'm gonna be alone forever because I can't seem to "make rocket go now" when it comes to relationships. I'm mad at Kevin because this was ultimately his decision and not mine. And yet I know my feelings are a little reactionary sometimes.

I love Rae and Zeb- and how they want to be mad at Kevin for the break-up. But he didn't do anything wrong. It was cute to see Zeb threaten to kick Kevin's ass at Marisa's. Sometimes I wish I had video of that girl in action.